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Peanut Butter

June 13, 2010

Food eaten in the middle of the night when a person is being ignored by someone  she spent the entire day fantasizing she could potentially fall in love with before realizing that she was too boring and afraid to ever be in a relationship again. Eating peanut butter out of a jar allows one to face the cold reality that nothing she ever hoped for will come true; peanut butter stuck to roof of mouth prevents articulation of vows to never love again. If there is no peanut butter in the home at this hour, heart broken individuals should never attempt to buy some at an all night gas station. The only open store will be near the home of the one who is doing the ignoring, so going within one hundred yards of his residence must be avoided at all costs. Being ignored by a person one believed would not ignore her often leads to the curious situation of being beyond the pale while inside one’s own home. Sharp objects should be ignored, and under no circumstances should one attempt to open a jar of peanut butter by tapping on the lid with a butter knife. If insomnia persists for more than three hours, the inconsolable individual may attempt to buy plane tickets to foreign countries, so any over the counter sleeping pills should be taken in moderation.

See also: lacrymator, love – unrequited, false alarms, text-messages, wishful thinking, insomnia.

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